It has been that kind of a month. Expect the unexpected. Nothing is as it seems. Don’t get too comfortable. Just when I thought I could handle anything that could possibly be thrown my way, I was served a big, thick, slice of humble pie.
I will spare you the details of that which was unexpected, but yes, these unexpected events involved mice and a man. I guess you can say these are two of my biggest weaknesses. It was a month or two of severe stress. Others may have handled these situations with grace and serenity, but not this hot-tempered, stubborn Irish woman. These mice and this man, well, they had the power to destroy me. And for a short time, I let them. I gave them that power. Today, I say screw the mice and screw the man. I am strong. I am happy. And I take back my happiness. I learned some powerful lessons this past month.
My actions affect others.
This theme continues to pop up in my life, particularly this week. I choose not to be the person who rolls her eyes at the store clerk, who is a little too slow for the pace of my life. I choose not to be the person who flips off the ass hole behind me who honks the split second the light turns green. I choose not to be the person who throws away the ex boyfriend’s bathing suit at a gas station as a form of impulsive and childish revenge (ok so I didn’t choose this until today.. sorry, ex boyfriend, I owe you a bathing suit). Point blank, even the smallest actions I choose affect others. A smile can go a long way. A rude and demanding tone or a vengeful act can and will hurt others. Is this the stamp I want to make on the world? Are these the actions I want my children to witness? No. And guess what? I have control over both my actions and my reactions. I better choose wisely.
Good friends are priceless.
I have friends. Female friends. I have never had female friends in my entire adult life. These women saved me this past month. No judgements, no unsolicited advice, these friends listened and sympathized. They made me laugh and loved me when I couldn’t love myself. They gave me hope. They made me believe it will all be okay. This is priceless. Because of these friends, I found my fight, I found my self- respect and I found my self-worth. No man or no mouse will take that away from me. So I must nurture my own emotional and spiritual health daily to keep these friendships alive and to be a good friend in return.
Trust my instincts.
I knew the mice were going to be a problem and I knew the man was going to be a problem. But I fought that. I tried to live with the mice when my gut was telling me to run the other way. I tried to create a healthy relationship with the man, when I knew it just wasn’t possible at this time and place. I ignored my gut instincts. Perhaps, I ignored it, because for so long, my gut instincts were wrong. But fighting my intuition made the month that much more stressful. My instincts told me exactly where the road was leading. But I fought it. Never again. I’m finally, at 38 years old, at a point in my life where I can actually trust my own instincts. I don’t have to ask ten other people what they would do in a particular situation or how they suggest I handle a situation. Guess what? I know the answer that is best for me. That is truly freeing.
God will never turn his back on me.
At times throughout these minute hardships, I turned my back on God. Silly, right? Simple mice and a stupid man caused me to turn my back on God? But it was so much more involved than that, and yes, I did. I spoke the words, “I hate you God.” For the first time in my sober life. Over mice and a man? Yes and no. I was drowning in life. I was hopeless. I blamed Him. But He was with me every step of the way. I know that now. And I love Him now more than ever.
As I sit here with an uncertain future, an uninhabitable home miles away while I live at my parents house once again, I reflect on the past month and feel ashamed of the way I handled some things and proud of others. I am sad. I am hurt. But I trust in God. I learned so much. I feel stronger. I feel love from God. I’m not worried about where I’m going to live or the heartache of knowing the ex boyfriend is on to a newer, younger model. (I mean model as in car reference model, not as in stunning and sexy Gisele-model).
Yesterday, i was full of fear-fear of being alone, fear of mice, fear of not finding a home, fear of not ever being good enough at or for anything or anyone. Those were yesterday’s thoughts, yesterday’s fears and insecurities. I prayed. Hail Mary after Hail Mary. Yesterday’s fears brought me back to God. Thank you, yesterday. Today I choose happiness, gratitude and love. And when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll have the chance to choose the same upon awakening.